The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
