I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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