my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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