I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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