Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
