i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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