when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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