Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Let's get the cat blown out
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
