I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..