I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
