The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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