Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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