Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
two words: eviction party
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If I die, sorry about rent.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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