ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We got so high we made milksteak
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.