There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
