$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
