The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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