if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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