I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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