listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sorry my hands just texted you
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
