if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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