Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
