It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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