Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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