My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
