I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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