Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
