TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
