I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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