You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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