i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
