I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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