I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
