Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
