I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Randomize