You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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