I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
