tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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