yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
