was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
we're so committed to being not committed
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
