your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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