just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
