I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I need help removing her.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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