I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
