Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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