sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
