apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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