No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
