I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
