Pants 0. Shit 1.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
sarcasm needs its own font
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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