wrigley field is MILF paradise
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
