enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
