He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
