i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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