is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
