finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
