I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
