oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
