I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
