It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
